Well, I thought I took my birth control ...

So... I'm pregnant.  Or rather, was pregnant ... I suppose.
My baby, conception and birth on Sunday, was rather painful.
I finally understand a mother's love.

I have this friggin' weird problem. Don't laugh. Kay? Kay.
I don't pass gas.
I don't know why, 
I don't know how,
But I'mma thinkin' that there's a-somethin' wrong with my intestinal tract here.

Well anywho, most animal products produce gas, am I right? Or am I right? 
So because of this I live a pescatarian life-style, almost vegan. 

BUT SADIE'S MOTHER MADE US THE MOST DELICIOUS MEATY BUTTERY ANIMAL-PRODUCT-INFESTED FOOD ON EARTH. 

Oh my goody-goodness. Can you really pass that up? So I ate three servings of roast beef and mashed potatoes.

And then I ate 4 servings of ice cream and ....
2 of cake. 

Then after dessert, I could feel myself bloating to the size of a blimp. No, literally. A blimp.
I turned to Annalee on my left,

"I ate too much, I feel sick. My stomach hurts"

A look of "Oh Lizzy" was returned.

I started to feel myself expand even larger. My stomach was bubbling like champagne. It was like a horror scene from CHARLIE AND THE FREAKING CHOCOLATE FACTORY.

Yes, I was that berry chick. But instead of delicious berry juice, I was filled with ... red meat gas.

.... 

I'm not even exaggerating. 

I submitted to my abdomen, posture racked like a woman with child. I even started to rub at the belly.

I attempted to act like a normal human being after dessert. Then we stood up... I kind of clamored up, and everyone saw it.

My belly looked like a 5 month old fetus was kickin' about. 

Sadie exclaimed "I think I'm gonna pee!"
Cassidy started to rub at the belly.
Annalee couldn't even look at me without cracking some sort of guffaw.
Julie told me I actually looked pregnant.

At first, I was like: HALLELUJAH SWEET MANNA  

Then I was like:  Sweet Mother of Pearl, What have I done. 

Word of warning: Don't let this happen to you. 

Sincerely and seriously yours, 

Elizabeth Sakura Gunn.